Double Team
by cresselia8themoon
Summary: Sequel to Double Date. Perry and Heinz are paired up with Balthazar and Vinnie on a mission to stop the evil Lord Doom. Making casual conversation is easy. Working together? Not so much.
1. What's Gonna Work?

_PnF/MML crossover. The sequel to Double Date!_

 _Ch 1- What's Gonna Work? Not Teamwork._

* * *

"Humph. They're all horribly incompetent," Mr. Block huffed. "I can say with complete confidence that they'll screw up the assigned mission with all the grace of a pig on greased roller skates."

Major Monogram rolled his eyes. "I can agree with a quarter of that statement. I don't know your men, so I can't speak for them. But Perry the Platypus is our top agent for a reason. Don't underestimate animals with human intellect."

"We'll see," Mr. Block said. "But don't get your hopes up about that alliance. My agents have better things to do than babysit a petting zoo. With the exception of Costco and Oklahoma of course." The right screen shut off at Block's obnoxious laughter.

Monogram stared at the blank screen, unimpressed. "Remember to bring Lord Doom into the slammer when you've completed the mission. Man, why did that guy have to pick such a stupid villain name?"

Perry saluted as the left screen faded out. He prayed this mission would be smoother than the entire Professor Parentheses incident. They were working with experienced agents this time, so maybe it would over before he knew it and he could snuggle into Phineas' bed before midnight.

"So I never got to mention this last time we met because of societal conventions, but has anyone ever told you that you look like a leprechaun? I mean, you're wearing all green and stuff even when it's not St. Patrick's. And don't even get me started on the actual style of your clothes. You must be really popular at steampunk conventions."

"I do not look like a leprechaun! Do you have any how hard it is to find a good pair of spats in your century?"

Then again, maybe not.

Perry doubted both agencies would have a steady alliance for fighting evil even if their mission was successful. If Block's condescending attitude was anything to go by, his agents likely wouldn't want to be paired with animals. And he definitely hated the way he treated Vinnie and Balthazar during the briefing. He had never seen a superior openly express disdain for their subordinates during briefings.

No wonder Balthazar was irritated all the time if he had to deal with that guy on a near daily basis. However, Perry still disliked him for his treatment of Milo in the restaurant. Interrogating a child in a public place? Either he had to be stupid, crazy, or both.

Vinnie was just as easygoing as he was when they first met, simply enjoying a foot long sub in peace. Perry sat next to him, deciding that it was probably better to let Heinz and Balthazar tire themselves out with their argument.

"How do you manage yours?" Vinnie asked, jerking his thumb towards Heinz, who was currently mocking Balthazar's accent.

With practice. How Vinnie managed his, he didn't have a clue.

After twenty minutes, the argument had finally run out of steam and they were glaring at each other in silence. Perry used the opportunity to review the file with the mission details and map out a plan.

"Balthy, we got a real mission for once. Cheer up," Vinnie nudged a disgruntled Balthazar, who folded his arms and looked away. "This Lord Doom guy made his hideout in an abandoned castle. Typical villain fare. Do you think he's got minions? Most bad guys have them, at least that's what I've heard."

Heinz shrugged. "If he does, I assume they'd be better than Norm. Seriously, he's gotten into the habit of breaking walls whenever he feels like it thanks to a certain platypus-" he jabbed a finger at Perry "-and I'm the one who has to repair it."

"I want all of you to take this mission seriously," Balthazar said, adjusting his glasses. He glanced at the file. "His hideout is all the way in Drusselstein? That backwater country? I sincerely hope we don't have to deal with the locals, because they're kookier than an intoxicated loon."

Perry and Heinz looked at each other, surprised that Balthazar said something they could agree with for a change. "I swear they try to murder you on driving tests. And the instructor doesn't even get in the car with you! What kind of assessment is that?" Heinz grumbled.

He was worried about the mission. Not because of the 'doomsday device to end all doomsday devices' as the file called the invention that needed to be destroyed, but how well they'd actually work together. Perry would be fine by himself. With Heinz, the chances for a slip-up increased, but they could improvise their way out with ease.

However, he had no idea how Vinnie and Balthazar handled themselves in action. Furthermore, being the only animal (discounting Heinz's legal status as an ocelot) complicated matters. He wasn't sure if he could communicate that well with them. Even Monogram and Carl had trouble understanding him sometimes.

Perry pushed a button on the keyboard, and a wall flipped around to reveal a platypus themed plane. OWCA had approved his request for a larger method of transport within a week of the Professor Parenthesis fiasco. If they wanted to assign different agents to work with him, then the small hovercraft wouldn't be enough to fit everyone. He'd learned that lesson the hard way.

"What do you guys think? It's more straightforward than bending space-time so the trebuchets match up," Heinz said. "Perry the Platypus gets all the cool equipment. Monobrow won't let me have more than just the basics. He's afraid I'll put self-destruct buttons on something expensive."

"You bent time?" Balthazar asked as everyone boarded the plane. "How come we were never alerted?"

Heinz shrugged. "Well, the time of day didn't change. It was more or less just changing the distance between North America and Europe to make for a shorter trip."

"We don't exactly have the means to deal with the space-time continuum," Vinnie said. "That's usually reserved for the highest ranks. Besides, they're always warning us to not change history. It's the first thing they drill into your head. Not literally drilling, of course. That would hurt."

Perry entered the cockpit, inputting the coordinates listed on the mission file for Lord Doom's castle into the computer and changing the mode to autopilot. There was no way he was manually piloting this thing for the next four hours.

Everyone made themselves comfortable on the plush chairs. Heinz stretched out his limbs, reveling in all the leg room unavailable to him on commercial flights. Perry sat next to him, claiming the arm rest between them with an elbow. Heinz nudged Perry's elbow off, smirking as he laid his entire arm across it. Scowling, Perry dug a hand underneath his arm so he could grip the edge. They continued the war over the arm rest as the plane rolled down the runway.

As the plane picked up speed, Balthazar gripped Vinnie's shoulder. "I'm just, uh, making sure you're all right since you're not used to flying," he said, chewing his lip. He sank against the seat, squeezing his eyes shut.

Vinnie patted his back. "Think soothing thoughts. Like, uh, jasmine tea. Yeah! A nice, freshly brewed jasmine tea. Bought in a family owned store and made with love. Served in a floral patterned cup and saucer. Bluebells, for instance."

The plane lifted off the ground, Perry holding Heinz's hand the entire time. He wasn't scared. He was just making sure Heinz wasn't scared. That's all. Takeoff sometimes gave even the most seasoned agents butterflies.

Thirty minutes later, a robotic voice chimed in on the intercom. "Welcome. You may get up and move around as long as you do not strip the plane for inventions. I will notify you again when we are close to your destination or in the possibility that we will plunge to certain doom over the open ocean, where no one will be able to find and identify your bodies. Thank you and have a wonderful day."

"Bet you don't have anything as cool as this plane in your agency," Heinz said.

Balthazar scoffed. "We have much more refined methods of transportation than your primitive flying death trap."

Vinnie opened a pack of in-flight peanuts from the supply box. "Depends if you consider double bikes refined. But our agency definitely doesn't supply in-flight peanuts!"

"Your agency doesn't treat you guys well," Heinz remarked. "I mean, OWCA doesn't pay their interns, but from what I've seen they actually enjoy their work. Have you considered quitting?"

"Quitting? Are you daft?" Balthazar stood up, unbuckling himself from the seat and standing up so that he towered over Heinz. "I joined the Bureau to save the world, and if you think I am here to do anything else, you are sorely mistaken."

Heinz leaned back in his seat. "It was a simple question!" Perry chattered in warning, and Heinz shut his mouth before he could say something to set Balthazar off.

"Balthazar, calm down," Vinnie grabbed his coattail, trying to gently pull him back to his seat.

He ripped the cloth out of Vinnie's hand. "This is our chance at a promotion and you two better not ruin it for us."

Perry folded his arms. If anything was going to ruin this mission, it would be Balthazar's attitude. Heinz and Balthazar glared daggers at each other. After several minutes, he huffed and took his seat once more.

Vinnie offered a tentative smile as an apology. Perry tipped his hat in acknowledgement. At least Vinnie wasn't holding anything against them.

"Tch, what's that guy's problem?" Heinz asked, his voice low so that nobody but Perry could hear him. "I say one thing and he blows his fuse!" Perry made several broad gestures. "Look, I'd love to get along with him too but at this rate it's just not happening!"

Perry prayed that he didn't require rescuing at some point during the mission. He'd be doomed if Balthazar and Heinz couldn't set aside their argument in time.

With the exception of Heinz's snores, it was too quiet now. Perry had thought Monogram's animal sensitivity lectures were long and boring. Those paled in comparison to the near silence he could barely endure.

It would be a long four hours.


	2. Infiltrate the Castle

_Ch 2: Infiltrate the Castle_

* * *

They covered the plane in a large tarp, leaving it behind in the clearing. While Perry would've liked to land closer to the castle, doing so was ill-advised with a large group. He wouldn't be surprised if the castle was equipped with sensors too. Now they had to walk through the woods and hope no witches or wood trolls found them. Not that Perry believed in them, of course.

Spooky forests did funny things to people's brains.

"He chose a bad location for an evil lair," Heinz said. "It is a little cliche. I don't know why some people enjoy choosing isolated places. Personally I'd rather be in the middle of civilization so it wouldn't be painful to pick groceries. Speaking of which, what do you think I should make for dinner this weekend, Perry the Platypus?"

Perry pointed to Heinz. It was only fair that he should choose the course for the evening.

"Aw, you're letting me choose?" Heinz asked, wiping an invisible tear from his eye. "Do you like stir fry? Or sausages? I'm just tossing out suggestions right now. You have a few days to decide what you want, so no rush."

Balthazar cursed in frustration, extracting himself from a thorn bush. "Do you ever know when to keep your mouth shut? You're worse than Dakota on anesthesia."

"Hey, that was one time," Vinnie complained. "In my defense, you really shouldn't have locked us in the broom closet. That's what started the gossip in the first place."

"You didn't give me a choice, you dolt," Balthazar muttered. "Not when you were about to unleash the laboratory's squirrels on Blockhead's mixed nut supply."

As they argued, Perry heard a small growl from his left. A pair of slitted eyes peeked out from the undergrowth. Just his luck they'd have to deal with a predator. He assumed a fighting stance, his tail poised to slap whatever was planning to eat him.

"Perry the Platypus, hold on," Heinz said, holding his hands in a time out gesture. "Let me have a look."

He crouched in front of the bush, trying to see what was hiding behind it. Then a tiny ball of fluff flew out and landed on Heinz's face, covering his eyes. Heinz yelped and fell on his rear. Perry jumped on his shoulder, using his tail to pry the fluff off. It fell with a barely audible mew.

"Do I have any marks on my face?" Heinz asked. Perry wasn't surprised he'd recovered so quickly. He'd seen Heinz survive much worse. "Man, not bad for a kitten."

"And I have no desire to be mauled by wild cats when the parents show up," Balthazar said. "Let us continue with the mission."

"'Let us continue with the mission,'" Heinz mimicked. Balthazar stiffened at Heinz's mockery of his British accent. "Come on. An ocelot kitten won't hurt you."

"Aw, so cute!" Vinnie exclaimed, holding out his hand for the kitten to sniff. "We should name her!"

Not even a minute and they were already attached. This wasn't going to bode well for the mission. Perry was more surprised her parents hadn't shown up yet. This kitten was clearly too young to be by herself.

"You come up with a name," Heinz said. "I'm terrible with them. I'd probably wind up calling her Kitten-inator or something."

Balthazar rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you two have decided the kitten's a girl based on one look."

"Perry the Platypus, can you tell?" Heinz asked. "Thought I'd ask, since you're also an animal. Well, you act more human. But in terms of DNA, you're an animal."

The kitten lost interest in Vinnie, curiously sniffing Perry instead. He nudged the feline with his bill. Then he nodded at Heinz.

"Okay, so we were right," Heinz confirmed. "It's strange that this kitten is all alone. The ocelots here have better familial instincts than people. I should know. I lived with them for a while."

"We'll help Oatmeal find her parents then!" Vinnie said. Balthazar groaned. "Hey, you know I always name stuff after food."

Oatmeal rubbed her head against Heinz's hand, purring. "She likes me," Heinz grinned. "I guess I'm still popular with ocelots after all this time. Not a bad thing at all. Oatmeal, we're on a mission to defeat this Lord Doom guy, but we'll help find your parents afterwards. And if it turns out that you had the rare kind of ocelot parents that were heartless enough to abandon you, I'm taking you home. I think Vanessa would like you. She's a cat person."

No. Heinz was not removing a wild animal from its natural habitat and domesticating it. If necessary, Perry would try to locate a wildlife refuge, but even that would take some time.

His tail flicked in annoyance. Why did being around Heinz always put weird thoughts in his head?

"Fine," Balthazar grunted. "But I'm not handling the little runt."

The best place for Oatmeal turned out to be the inside of Vinnie's jacket. He zipped it up all the way and left her head poking out under his chin. "She's so fuzzy and soft," Vinnie said. "It's like having a stuffed animal strapped to my chest." She rubbed the top of her head against him, purring softly. "You should try it sometime, Balthy. It might take off some stress."

"Unlike you and the clumsy oafs we're currently working with, I have some dignity," Balthazar retorted. He immediately slammed into a tree, stumbling away in a daze.

Heinz burst into laughter. "That's karma. Man, I wish I brought a camera for these moments!" Perry hid a smile beneath his hand.

Balthazar straightened his hat, doing his best to appear dignified. "You've all had your laugh at my expense. Let's get on with it."

After walking for ten minutes, they came face to face with a giant stone wall. Perry shot a grappling line above the wall as an experiment. However, there wasn't anything at the top for the hook to grip, and the entire line fell uselessly to the ground.

"Did you bring a bazooka by any chance?" Heinz asked. "We would've brought one, but OWCA ordered all the agents to turn in theirs for some tweaking. The original model was kinda touchy. I offered to help with the design, but Monobrow was all, 'Doofenshmirtz, I don't trust you to handle a bazooka without blowing something up and you still owe me a car'. He needs to let that go."

"I don't think I'd trust you with a bazooka either," Balthazar said, folding his arms. "Your file mentioned you had a penchant for blowing things up."

"None of those were intentional though. It's an occupational hazard of putting self-destruct buttons on my things," Heinz retorted. "You didn't exactly have the best track record either."

Balthazar huffed. "I mastered twenty different forms of martial arts. I had a 4.0 GPA in Time Traveler's College. It took me a long time to get this position in the Bureau."

Vinnie tapped him on the shoulder. "Calm down. We want this mission to be a success, remember? And besides, we really shouldn't be drawing attention to ourselves by arguing."

Perry agreed. He didn't see any security cameras at the moment, but Lord Doom's file didn't go into a lot of detail about the technology he employed. Maybe all his security was concentrated on the interior.

Oatmeal jumped out of Vinnie's jacket and scampered to the end of the wall, disappearing around a corner. "Oatmeal! Wait up!" Vinnie shouted, running after her. "Don't run off like that! I'm not in the best shape for chase games! Agh!"

A spotted paw caught Vinnie by the torso and dragged him behind the corner. Perry, Heinz, and Balthazar quickly dashed towards him. A spotted blur caught Perry by surprise, and his tail lashed out in defense. It slammed into something solid, a yowl of pain coming from the creature.

An ocelot, to be exact.

The ocelot called out, and at least fifty others slunk out of the bushes, growling fiercely.

"I don't think I've ever seen so many ocelots in one place," Heinz said, barely dodging an ocelot that tried to swipe at his legs. "Not that I'm complaining. But they're usually friendlier than this!" Perry kicked one that tried to jump on Heinz, then punched another in the shoulder.

"Any idea how we can fend them off?" Balthazar and Vinnie were positioned back to back, each armed with a large stick. They were completely surrounded by a pack of snarling felines.

Oatmeal rubbed herself against the largest ocelot, purring. "Oatmeal," Vinnie singsonged, tapping his leg. "Come here, kitty. Papa doesn't want you getting mauled."

She paid no attention.

The lead ocelot growled, and the others began roughly pushing the group towards the drawbridge. Oatmeal mewed, walking towards Vinnie. Before he could pick her up, another ocelot placed herself between them and snapped at Vinnie's hands.

"Well, at least we get to take the direct route," Heinz commented as the drawbridge lowered. "I'm terrible at stealth."

None of them were eyeing Perry for a meal. He was thankful for that. But Lord Doom had to be doing something to these ocelots. There weren't any fedoras, so they couldn't be OWCA agents. He didn't see any mind controlling flea collars either. There had to be a device inside somewhere. That was the only explanation Perry could think of.

"When all is said and done, I'm fabricating the report," Balthazar said. "Our cover shall be that Heinz got knocked out by an ocelot and the rest of us heroically stormed the castle to save him."

"Wait, why am I the guy that gets knocked out?" Heinz scowled, stopping to glare at him. An ocelot hissed. "Okay, I'm moving. Happy?"

They were not fabricating any reports. Did Balthazar always have to do things that would land them in more hot water? And Perry definitely didn't appreciate Heinz being the designated knocked out guy either. He was a better fighter than most people gave him credit for.

The ocelots herded them towards a spiral staircase, then left to guard the entrance. Perry looked up, then regretted it. Just looking at the staircase made his head spin.

"On second thought, maybe I'll just stay here," Vinnie said "Stairs don't agree with me." Balthazar grabbed Vinnie's gold chain and hauled up him the stairs.

"Come, Dakota," Balthazar said. "You are not becoming cat food."

"Do you need a lift, Perry the Platypus?" Heinz asked. "I never understood the obsession castles have with stairs. Sure, elevators weren't invented at the time they built these things, But they could at least make the steps not so high."

Perry shook his head, taking his first step up. However, the step was so high that Perry's legs and tails hung in the air before he was able to haul himself up.

"Well, go ahead and struggle then," Heinz smirked. "We'll defeat Lord Doom without you. But no worries, we'll fill you in."

Sighing in defeat, Perry climbed up Heinz and sat piggyback style on his shoulders. It wouldn't hurt to conserve his strength, he supposed.

Heinz laughed. Perry grabbed his hair so he didn't fall off as his shoulders rocked up and down. "Thought so."


End file.
